Blogging – Fathers’ Day Message

2015 Fathers’ Day, and I’ve figured out (sort of) how to start blogging.  I’m working in the UK this week – staying in St. Albans, a great town.

Julie and the girls will be heading over at the end of the week and we are looking forward to a special vacation before Grace heads to college.

Usually Fathers’ Day for me is as much couch time and grilling as I can get.  This year, being away, I’m more reflective.  It’s tough being away from the girls so often, and easy to question whether it’s the right path to take.  However it does give you time to think about what’s important for a parent.

In 2014, Grace attended The Awakening at the downtown Episcopal Church, and several of us wrote letters for her to read as she explored her spiritual path.  It was a great opportunity to share the thoughts a Dad really wants to share – but often get lost in the day to day grind.  Grace gave me permission to post it.

Here it is, as one Dad’s hope for his children as they grow and become their own person.

Gracie,

It is so hard to be away from you and your sisters during the week.  It is really nice to text you, and I know you have little time for much more, but not having the opportunity to talk to you about special things is tough.  Watching your excitement and happiness makes it worthwhile, but it doesn’t take away the hurt of not being with you.

Soon, too soon, you will start the next step in your life and our time together will be less frequent.  My heartache is only soothed by my overwhelming pride in what a special young woman you are, and that perhaps some of your better qualities didn’t come from your Mother.

So I wanted to write down my thoughts about your journey through life.  The things your Mom and I say to you from day to day are well intentioned, but I imagine they can be inconsistent, confusing, and maybe a little annoying.  You’ll have to forgive us, we only want the best for you.

Often our advice is triggered by something we see that reminds us of the hard parts of our life, or painful events.  Everyone goes through such things – you will too.  Yours may or may not be the same as those we encountered.  Actually, even if I could, I wouldn’t stop you from experiencing such things, for they give you a chance to grow and be strong.

It occurred to me that perhaps we should try and explain better the important things we want to share with you.  Being away gives me time to think and try and put a few of the important things together in a way that maybe makes more sense.

So, here is my advice about the next few years.  I hope it helps.  If it’s too confusing, inconsistent or annoying, at least it made me feel better to put it on paper.

One of the best things I ever did, aside from marry your Mom, was to give you a name with such strong roots.  “All good things-trout as well as eternal salvation-come by grace and grace comes by art and art does not come easy.”  Here is some of the art I have learned in my life.

Most importantly, always remember how much your family loves you.  I know it doesn’t always appear that way, but its true – yes, even your sisters.  No matter what happens, we will always love you and cherish you unconditionally beyond your belief.  We are always with you in spirit and waiting impatiently to see you in person and give you a big hug.  Remember though, a family is like any living thing, it is best when nurtured and cared for by you, which takes constant work, even when it is not convenient or even fun.

Although I doubt I have to say this, never lose your faith.  It will be one of the most rewarding and comforting parts of your life.  Don’t be afraid to challenge your faith – even Jesus was an agitator.  Learning requires questions – don’t be afraid to question, challenge, poke and prod.  We are not capable of understanding the breadth of what’s out there, but the more we learn the closer we can get.

You can’t pick your parents, but you can pick your friends.  Pick a lot of them, as many as possible.  Your inner circle of friends will change several times as you learn more about yourself and things change with school, work, and family.  But never forget anyone.  Make sure all your friends know how much you care for them – and care a lot!  Friends have to be nurtured just like your family.

Do your best – no matter the task.  Frankly, you probably know this better than I do.  You never know what you may learn, who you may meet or who is paying attention to your efforts.  It always pays off – even when it doesn’t seem like it.

Be honest, that way you never have to remember a lie.  This is not always easy.   Being honest is an art, and you have to learn to be discrete and judicious in what you say to people and about people.  Sometimes a friend doesn’t need to hear exactly what you are thinking, and instead a kind word or encouragement will go much further.  And, almost without exception, the things you say about someone else will make their way around, sometimes with unfortunate and permanent results.

Enjoy life – now!  If I have one regret it is that in this regard you are too much like me.  You are so driven sometimes it is hard for you to step back and take things in stride.  Make a point to enjoy even the tough times.  Everything has a positive memory if you look for it.

Don’t chase money, it only makes you miserable.  Want is not a synonym of need – learn the difference.  Whatever money you make in life, it will be far more than you need to get by, so always, always, save.  I wish I would have learned this lesson earlier.

Do what makes you happy in life.  That sounds easy, but the hard part is that you are too young to know what makes you happy!  Don’t be surprised if you come to the realization that what makes you happy actually scares you to death.  That’s ok – take a chance, take several.  Otherwise, life can get dull and frustrating.  As you look for the right school and career, hold firm to this goal no matter what anyone else says – even me.  You may change direction a few times (but please, not too many), that’s fine as long as each move puts you closer to finding your true calling.

There is no guy on this planet that is good enough for you.  So, you are doing any guy a favor to spend time with them.  If anyone ever makes you feel otherwise – leave them, immediately!  They are only trouble.  The right person (or as far as I’m concerned, the one that might be closest to good enough) will come around at the right time, so be patient and don’t be discouraged if it doesn’t happen on your time table.  Whenever it happens, it will be right and you will know it.

The world is going to change in your lifetime, we can see the beginnings of some of these changes, and for others we cannot.  They will all have an impact on your life, and your Mom and I can do little to prepare you except to write a letter full of well intentioned advice.

• Be prepared for economic downturns in your life, and maybe even big ones. That doesn’t mean live under a rock because it’s going to rain, but keep your head up and pay attention to what is going on around you.
• More than we can imagine, you will live in a global economy where your peers are from other countries. These people are smart, they work very hard and will provide you with formidable competition. People everywhere have the same desires – they want to succeed, be happy and provide for their family. But after that we can all be different. Celebrate the differences among cultures, but don’t be surprised when people act in ways you can’t understand.  Learn how to work in a global setting, learn as many languages as you can and find something you love that will flourish in a global job market.
• The institution of marriage is changing. More and more your Mom and I see our friends divorce. We feel like dinosaurs, that is, we see the signs of extinction for our own kind but we don’t understand why. Regardless of how things change, remember that marriage is meant to celebrate unconditional love and acceptance of another person (which, simply put, means “it’s not about me!”). This is one of the hardest and most rewarding things you can do. It takes a lot of time, practice and work to understand, and one can never fully understand. Regardless the nature of your relationship with a significant other, remember that the relationship is about unconditional love; and not to see who has the biggest ring or ceremony.  I fear we are losing our grasp on this point.
• The majority in this country is going to change, and for the first time in history the current minorities will become the majority – both in race and maybe even gender. To me this highlights more than anything that our country is about change. Our ability to adapt sets us apart and is one of the things that makes our nation great. But with change we cannot lose sight of the true foundations of our freedom – hard work, personal responsibility and compassion. Too often, those that are afraid or ignorant make change a divisive issue. As long as we stay true to our foundation we can weather, and even benefit from, any change. Do not let those around you lose sight of this point, and help them understand.  If they will not, or cannot understand, you must stand up and challenge them.  Never appease ignorance or intolerance.

Frankly I believe, and hope, that when women become the primary decision makers in our country things may run a little better.

And I hope that when this occurs, when people look to my little girl for advice and direction (because they will), some of this may be helpful to you. If not, just remember your Dad fondly as a guy that tried his best.

Finally, remember that wherever life takes you, whatever you are doing, your Mom and I love you very much and are smiling, proud and happy.